Thank you all. I don't deserve it.
You're all the best kinds of people, and the pain I feel in my heart every time I visit this place isn't enough to make me stop. It hurts because I think of how stupid I was back then, how I wanted to be better and better and better but I just couldn't. It still hurts when I see the faces of everyone I wanted to be like back then. But it doesn't matter anymore. I've gotten better. Less of a brat I guess. Don't really think it matters, 'cause I've moved on from then. I'm such a fucking pathetic annoying liar, really. Even now, when I've grown up a little more. I don't want to come back to this place as much, it just hurts so much on the bad days. I think I ruined it a lot. This could've been beautiful, but I fucked up somehow. It's alright though. I don't really know what to do with this account. A lot's happened since I've been gone. I owe you all an explanation. I did it. I don't know how, but it went.....somewhat alright. The guy I like is perfect. I always get so weak and shy and stuttery when I'm around him but it's alright. Everything just stops and I forget how much it hurts to be me and I just look at him and I see how perfect everything is. I'd give anything and everything just to see him smile at me. I don't care about any other guys romantically besides him...I just can't. So if I fuck this up I'll never forgive myself.
It hurts to talk to my best friend. It hurts to think that I can forgive him for how he just forgot about me back then. When I was hurt and tired and sad and broken, lying on those filthy bathroom tiles sobbing my fucking heart out while everyone spread lies about me, while that bitch was still fat and happy playing her fucking victim card, while all my friends left me. Their eyes were hateful. He claimed to be oblivious to it all. Even when the entire school was against me and I felt like my heart was shattered even more than my pathetic mess of a life. Even when her friends caught up to me during lunch before I could escape to the bathroom and clung to me until I couldn't stand anymore from the weight. Even when I saw him and his other friends laughing in their perfect lives with their perfect girlfriends and their perfect test scores. I couldn't bring myself to hate him for suddenly forgetting about me for the two worst years of my life. What sickens me is that through all of that, the image that kept me going was the thought of the three of us meeting together again in high school and being the same stupid friends we were back in the 6th grade. It was only the two of us this year though.
I never really talked to him about it, even though it hurts so much. But when he promised me that he wouldn't leave me again like he did back then I cried. He was just so sweet that I felt so fucking horrible for not wanting to give him that kind of love even though I had none left to give. Even though he wanted it. Even when his friends told me he wanted it. The relief that I felt when I thought he was "over me" was astonishing, only to be replaced with worry, when that proved to be false.
Everyone's always expecting me to just get together with him. I still treat him like my best friend even though just seeing him sickens me because of how I feel he betrayed me in the worst moments of my life. I can't date him. I can't love him. I can't forgive him completely. I can't, when just thinking about him hurts. I just wish he'd find another girl, like he did back then.